Honesty What we both deserve
by AmyHale
Summary: One night, Derek takes Addison out to dinner. He wants to talk about divorce. But what if she's not willing to give up on her marriage? And what if Dr. Shepherd is just pretending to protect the love of his life from one really big painful secret?
1. What she wants

**A/N: So. There is this song in my mind, and I only can think about Addek when I hear it. Honesty(Write me a list), by Rodney Atkins. And so I wrote this. Oh, and I'm aware of the fact that Derek doesn't know yet that Mark and Addison stayed together, when they divorce, but I wanted to put it in here, to make in more complete. Enjoy!**

"Hello Addison." Derek gave her a fake smile as he joined her at the cafeteria's table, alone. She was waiting for Callie to arrive, and in the meanwhile she was slowly eating a sandwich and reading a magazine.

"H-hi." she said visibly surprised. "How was your morning?" she asked, as everyday.

"Good, it was good. Look, I need to talk to you about something." he looked her in the eyes. "Would you go out to dinner with me, tonight?"

"Yes." her bright smile grew bigger at his words. "Absolutely yes! Where?"

"I'll meet you in the lobby at 8. Be ready!" he told her as he stood up and made his way to the exit.

Addison smiled, deciding to play the happy-wife part, and continued to read the magazine, still waiting for her friend to come.

_**xxx**_

"Thank you for coming." Derek said, as he sat in front of her in the Italian restaurant.

"Derek..." she laughed: in her mind he was acting weird and stupidly, and she couldn't understand what he wanted or expected from her.

"Er... I'll have some salad, and then ravioli." he said to the waiter.

"I'll have the same, but with some fries too." she smiled.

"Here." he handed her a pen, his favorite one, and a white piece of paper.

"What?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

There was some kind of voice, in her head, advising her of what was going to happen, but she was so confused and wrong-footed that she didn't care about it.

"Write me a list." he said in that serious voice that she hated. "A list of what you think you should have after the divorce." he added, breaking another piece of her heart.

"Because, let's face it, Addison, we're not working anymore."

_We're working_, she wanted to scream. _You're just not fighting hard enough. You're giving up._

"Addison." he sighed; he wanted her to do it now, so that it could be over. Done. Finished.

"Fine." she made a grimace and took the pen.

She thought for a moment, and she wrote:

- the house in the Hamptons

- the table and chairs in Manhattan's house's dining room

- the plates and cutlery

- your wedding ring as well as mine

- all the photographs and my movies

She looked at what she had written, and sighed. She bit her lip and canceled everything with a doodle.

This time she smiled softly and wrote:

_Honesty, sincerity, tenderness, trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, more for the two of us. Kisses each morning, I love you's at night. Just like it used to be. The way life was when you were in love with me._

She smiled again, and added:

_That's what I wish I could have, Derek._

She folded the little piece of paper, and gave it to him.

Derek pretended he was indifferent; he wanted to look at it at home; but the peaceful look she had made him wonder what was written in there. Did she suddenly decided that _he_ wasn't worth it?

He glanced briefly at the paper, and then opened it. She looked away.

_Oh. Crap._

He swallowed. All his efforts to forget her were gone to hell.

Memories invaded his mind, freezing him, like fresh water.

The first kiss. The umbrellas shared when it poured, their bodies close in the rain.

The ring and the wedding. How she was beautiful that day.

The things he had told her, because he only trusted her and Mark to know his secrets.

Mark,

and the night they had spent together.

He caught 'em.

They stayed together, after that.

Oh, that hurt.

The waiter placed their meal on the table, and Addison started to eat, still avoiding to look at him. Derek kept staring at the words black as ink.

"Honesty?" he finally was able to ask, still reluctantly. She nodded.

"Sincerity?"

"Love." she merely answered, captivating their eyes in a significant eye contact.

"Just love." he mumbled with bitterness.


	2. What he wants

**A/N: Okay, this is **_**not**_** how I thought it would be. I thought about Derek realizing that he is still in love with Addison and make it up to her, about they talking about their problems or something like that. So, only the first sentence is what I planned. The rest, just came to my mind and I liked it **_**so**_** much. I hope you do too.**

Derek hadn't seen Addison since the dinner they had together, three days before. He had avoided her, trying to find a simple way to do what he thought was right. Leave her. But, God, it was becoming harder as time passed, and her words where impressed in his brain, as well as her scent and the smell of her lipstick when she kissed him.

He entered in the dark trailer, he knew she was there, probably asleep, surely with a hand on his pillow and a smile on her face.

He swallowed as he tried to look away from her, _his wife_, and he took his pen and the same paper she had given him. He turned it, and tried to read his own words as he wrote with no light not to wake her.

_Addison, I know that I screwed up. I screwed up badly. Don't try, not even for a minute, to blame yourself for the end of our marriage. I already did this enough. And I'm sorry, because I know it was hurting you._

_I guess I was just trying to make you stop loving me, but I failed. I know I failed, as well as I wasn't able to stop __me__ from loving you._

_But I had to. I still have to, and this is why I'm leaving._

_You just need to know... that I want you to move on. __Move on__ and be happy again, please find someone to love and that loves you back, and marry that person. Make a family. And, most of all, try and forget me. I'll do the same, in the short time I have to do it. I don't want you to live your life with the ghost of our marriage, the ghost __of who you and me were__. Move on and don't think about it that much, because I know it'll hurt._

_Do this for me. That's what I wish you could have. Do this, for me, my love._

_Addison. You'll always be the woman I fell in love with in med school, the most beautiful, cheerful, elegant woman in the world. The love of my life. And we will always be Addison and Derek. Together. I was wrong. I was just pretending, pushing you away from me. I was trying to protect you._

_But now, I need to let you go, because even though you won't believe it, you won't understand, it is what you need._

_So go, fly free, be yourself and move one. Forget me, bad times and good times, and have your happy ending._

_With all my love__, Derek Christopher Shepherd._

He knew he should leave now. That was the plan. Go back to the trailer while she was asleep, write the letter and go.

But he just couldn't do it. He was paralyzed, sat on the chair, and his gaze got back to the woman on the bed.

He didn't know how much time had passed. Maybe hours, or just some minutes. But at one point, she actually woke up. She woke up, sat on the bed, and looked at him with sleepy eyes.

"Derek?" she said weakly, still half-asleep.

He held a sigh and took the paper, and handed it to Addison.

She read it calmly, but anger was growing in her heart.

_He was __leaving her__? She was supposed to forget him?_

"You want to know why." he said, even though this wasn't, once again, in the plan. The purpose of all that was exactly not telling her.

Addison didn't answer, hardly containing her rage.

"I have... a brain tumor." he told her hesitantly.

"It's... not curable" he blurted, his voice lower this time. "I really want you to move on. I need it, because if not I can't leave. And that sucks because sooner or later... it'll happen."

He heard her swallow, and her breath became more heavy.

He knew it. He knew that he was asking the undoable.

_**xxx**_

It's been one year now, and she smells the white lilies as she walks in the graveyard. She's peaceful and good, and she has an enormous smile on her beautiful face.

She has a meeting with her friends at the entrance in an half an hour, but she needed to come earlier and have some time with him alone.

She sits on the grave, but doesn't say a world. All the things she wants to tell him, he already knows.

That she didn't get over him, like he asked. That she hasn't a family, but just a man to date that doesn't know yet about him. That she still imagines their kids sometimes. That she still cries in the middle of the night. That she still uses to read his letter everyday.

She just sits there, as the hot sun hits her face and warms her, making her even more serene.

And when Meredith, Richard and Mark arrive they talk about the hospital, and they make jokes and they laugh.

But she just stays quiet near him and puts an hand on her own heart, pretending to hear his beat.


End file.
